Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
