i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Liz is crying about burritos again.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
