We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
