Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize