you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
