I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
