remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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