Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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