I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
