ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
