The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
