Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
