I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
