You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
After tacos, we're chasing women.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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