Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
