I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
