how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
