Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I supernannyed him into submission
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
