Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
