I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
