It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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