Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
