I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
