the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
