If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
