I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
