yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
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Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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