how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
