i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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