she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
