I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Randomize
