i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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