Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just invented taco cereal.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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