i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's never too late to be topless.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
