I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
