If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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