Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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