i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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