Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
this beer tastes like vomit already
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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