Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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