I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
