I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
