Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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