my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
