You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
