I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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