If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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