if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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