I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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