apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
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i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
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You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
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