I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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