wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
