Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
