hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.