dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
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I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
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Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.