i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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